Re-read my older blog entries. All the way from year 2002 onwards…
From when I was still with Ryan, to breaking off with him, and then with Reko, and then breaking off with Reko…
And of course, the many things that happened within these 12 years.
There are many things that I’ve long forgotten… and when I read about them in my entries, I was like, “….? That happened? Why can’t I remember?” LOL… proof that my memory is deteriorating, I guess.
There are some things that I still remember fondly. There are some things that I remembered but I wish I could forget. There are some that I simply don’t remember. At all.
All these twelve years… what would haunt me forever? Probably the fact that I’ve hurt Reko, the person who love me the most. We were so certain back then that we would be together forever. His feelings for me probably is still the same as it was 10 years ago. There were some stuff that happened in between these years, but his feelings never wavered – while mine did.
Although one should always look forward in life and not keep dwelling in the past, sometimes I do wonder – what really happened?
But then, what good it is even if I manage to find the answer to that question? Would it bring the feelings back? Can anything be changed now?
Feelings were gone; hurtful words were spoken (by me); and the pain I gave him (twice – when I broke up with him and when I told him I have someone in my life now) was something that I doubt he can really recover from, at least not for the time being. Looking and thinking back the times we were together, it’s really unfair for him to be suffering from all these pain. But it’s not fair for me either to keep dragging this and giving him false hopes.
I really have no other words to say to him except for “sorry”. Even then, I know it’s not enough, it’s not what he wanted to hear. I can only hope he’s still doing OK now, and hopefully another door would open for him after this door is closed.
The elderly would say, “It’s always best to choose the person who love you more, instead of choosing the person you love more. 被爱是幸福的，爱人是痛苦的。”
But what they didn’t know is 被爱也会痛苦的，尤其是你不爱那个人. The guilt will slowly eat you up while your heart is with another person.
Where do we go (Reko and I) from here?
I really hope he would slowly get over me, go out work or really get his company start up and hire some people. Go out there and get to know more people, and hopefully find someone who really loves him for who he is. He’s really a good, soft hearted person. He really deserves to be loved by someone who can love him wholeheartedly, and not hurt him like I did. And I hope by then, we can be friends again.
…….
Feels kinda good to get this out of my system.