…

… 3 more weeks.  =(

It’s so hard to try and not think about it.  It’s so hard to pretend that everything’s okay and fine and dandy.

But what else can I do?  Even if I bawl my eyes out, he still has to leave.  Our conversation today went something like this:

Him:  “So what’s next for me?”

Me:  “Work on your portfolio, I guess…?”

Him:  “And after that?”

Me:  “Once you think it’s ready, submit it to companies…?”

Him:  “And after that?”

Me:  “…”

I know what he was saying.  I know what he was asking.  And to be honest, I have no answer to it.  So… even after he got a job somewhere, how am I supposed be there with him?  Will he even have the time to come here and asked my parents for my hand?  Will my mom even agree to it (assuming he hasn’t start work)? Even if he starts working there for, say a year, and then what?  Will he have the time to come for me?

Of course, I could go to him… but in order to have a reason to seek employment opportunities overseas, I’ll first need a degree.  A diploma will never be enough.  And honestly… I really don’t want to study anymore.  I was sick and tired of all the projects, assignments and exams, and even after working for 7.5 years, I’m still sick of those.

But who knows… maybe at the end of the day, I might further my studies just so that I can go there and be with him.  Or who knows, maybe my mom will allow him to marry me even though he hasn’t start his job or something.  Or maybe one day we both decide that perhaps we are not destined to be together.  D:  Sigh… I don’t know.  There are so many uncertainties, so many unknown factors that would just change everything.  It’s just like… just when I thought we at least have two more years together here before he finished his studies, he had to leave in a month’s time.  Too many uncertainties… to even have a proper plan.

In order not to break down and cry every night, I try to tell myself to look on the slightly positive side.  I could go for my karaoke without feeling guilty about leaving him all alone at his rented apartment.  I could go shopping alone or go out with my friends without worrying about him, whether he’ll be upset that I’m having fun and spending time with my friends.  Of course he wouldn’t.  >_<  But sometimes I will just feel guilty… don’t ask me why.  >_>

But… even when he’s not here, I know I’ll still feel bad for going out with friends when I could be at home, messaging him on MSN or chatting via Skype, or even play together on WoW.  I know I’ll still feel bad for going to karaoke and enjoying myself while he’s slogging away at home in Finland, working on his portfolio for our future.

Meh… seems like nothing I do is right.  Or am I just going around in circles, chasing my own tail?  Do I even make sense in this post?

Sigh…

3 more weeks…

Sometimes I wish I could be more rebellious.  I wish I could be more heartless.  Just leave my parents here and go with him, regardless of whether they agree to it or not.  But I can’t do that… even at times when I got so mad with them, I just couldn’t just abandon them and just leave… They are selfish for wanting to keep me here… but I’m selfish too if I just think about my own happiness and life… but I’m also selfish and being unfair too, to him, if I stay here because I can’t leave my parents alone.  He was willing to sacrifice everything to be with me, yet I can’t do the same for him.

Maybe I don’t deserve him?  Maybe he deserve someone better than me, who could do a lot more for him?  Why does it really feel like its not right, no matter what I do, what decision I make, which path I take?

好累，好烦，好乱…