… 3 more weeks. \u00a0=(<\/p>\n
It’s so hard to try and not think about it. \u00a0It’s so hard to pretend that everything’s okay and fine and dandy.<\/p>\n
But what else can I do? \u00a0Even if I bawl my eyes out, he still has to leave. \u00a0Our conversation today went something like this:<\/p>\n
Him: \u00a0“So what’s next for me?”<\/p>\n
Me: \u00a0“Work on your portfolio, I guess…?”<\/p>\n
Him: \u00a0“And after that?”<\/p>\n
Me: \u00a0“Once you think it’s ready, submit it to companies…?”<\/p>\n
Him: \u00a0“And after that?”<\/p>\n
Me: \u00a0“…”<\/p>\n
I know what he was saying. \u00a0I know what he was asking. \u00a0And to be honest, I have no answer to it. \u00a0So… even after he got a job somewhere, how am I supposed be there with him? \u00a0Will he even have the time to come here and asked my parents for my hand? \u00a0Will my mom even agree to it (assuming he hasn’t start work)? Even if he starts working there for, say a year, and then what? \u00a0Will he have the time to come for me?<\/p>\n
Of course, I could go to him… but in order to have a reason to seek employment opportunities overseas, I’ll first need a degree. \u00a0A diploma will never be enough. \u00a0And honestly… I really don’t want to study anymore. \u00a0I was sick and tired of all the projects, assignments and exams, and even after working for 7.5 years, I’m still sick of those.<\/p>\n
But who knows… maybe at the end of the day, I might further my studies just so that I can go there and be with him. \u00a0Or who knows, maybe my mom will allow him to marry me even though he hasn’t start his job or something. \u00a0Or maybe one day we both decide that perhaps we are not destined to be together. \u00a0D: \u00a0Sigh… I don’t know. \u00a0There are so many uncertainties, so many unknown factors that would just change everything. \u00a0It’s just like… just when I thought we at least have two more years together here before he finished his studies, he had to leave in a month’s time. \u00a0Too many uncertainties… to even have a proper plan.<\/p>\n
In order not to break down and cry every night, I try to tell myself to look on the slightly positive side. \u00a0I could go for my karaoke without feeling guilty about leaving him all alone at his rented apartment. \u00a0I could go shopping alone or go out with my friends without worrying about him, whether he’ll be upset that I’m having fun and spending time with my friends. \u00a0Of course he wouldn’t. \u00a0>_< \u00a0But sometimes I will just feel guilty… don’t ask me why. \u00a0>_><\/p>\n
But… even when he’s not here, I know I’ll still feel bad for going out with friends when I could be at home, messaging him on MSN or chatting via Skype, or even play together on WoW. \u00a0I know I’ll still feel bad for going to karaoke and enjoying myself while he’s slogging away at home in Finland, working on his portfolio for our<\/em> future.<\/p>\n Meh… seems like nothing I do is right. \u00a0Or am I just going around in circles, chasing my own tail? \u00a0Do I even make sense in this post?<\/p>\n Sigh…<\/p>\n 3 more weeks…<\/p>\n Sometimes I wish I could be more rebellious. \u00a0I wish I could be more heartless. \u00a0Just leave my parents here and go with him, regardless of whether they agree to it or not. \u00a0But I can’t do that… even at times when I got so mad with them, I just couldn’t just abandon them and just leave… They are selfish for wanting to keep me here… but I’m selfish too if I just think about my own happiness and life… but I’m also selfish and being unfair too, to him, if I stay here because I can’t leave my parents alone. \u00a0He was willing to sacrifice everything to be with me, yet I can’t do the same for him.<\/p>\n Maybe I don’t deserve him? \u00a0Maybe he deserve someone better than me, who could do a lot more for him? \u00a0Why does it really feel like its not right, no matter what I do, what decision I make, which path I take?<\/p>\n \u597d\u7d2f\uff0c\u597d\u70e6\uff0c\u597d\u4e71…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" … 3 more weeks. \u00a0=( It’s so hard to try and not think about it. \u00a0It’s so hard to pretend that everything’s okay and fine and dandy. But what else can I do? \u00a0Even if I bawl my eyes out, he still has to leave. \u00a0Our conversation today went something like this: Him: \u00a0“So what’s…<\/span><\/p>\n