「用心」去愛

每個人看見愛的時間,都不會一樣;每個人決定投入一段感情的時間點,也不盡相同。妳好像比較早喜歡他──奇妙的是這世界妳越是喜歡的人,妳喜歡他的時間點,往往都會發生得比他喜歡妳的時間早。但是那沒有關係,妳不會計較這個,妳只要他後來也剛剛好喜歡妳就好。

妳用心觀察他的一切,妳很早就知道,他喜歡吃什麼東西?喜歡穿什麼衣服?而且妳一旦知道了,就很難會忘記。妳認為女生本來就比男生細心,所以在交往後,妳也只會跟他計較大的事情:可能是幾個對你們來說很重要的日子、可能是大多數的情侶們都應該會有的表示。妳不想做那個總是要用技巧提醒他的人,因為妳從來沒有想過愛需要那麼多技巧,妳心目中的「愛」就是當妳很喜歡一個人,就會很直接地想要對對方好。

妳從沒想到的,是他後來會習慣妳對他的好,習慣妳對他的退讓。妳一直以為當妳對一個人好,如果他接受了,那應該就是一個開始。於是,妳在那個開始裡等著,妳不知道自己在等什麼?也許妳在等的是一種溫暖的感覺,妳沒有要他全數回報,妳只希望他偶爾也能夠讓妳知道,其實妳所做的一切,他都明白。後來,反而是妳懂了,妳之所以一直沒有等到那個感謝的擁抱,並不是因為他不知道,而是他一但承認自己知道了,那他就要還──不是所有跟妳談愛的人,都想要償還妳曾經對他的感情;不是所有跟妳談愛的人,都願意像妳那麼勇敢地想為將來而努力。

所以,我們才可以看見那些人,竟然可以在我們的傷心裡,最後還那麼無所謂的走開,彷彿那一切都不曾發生……妳這也才他離去的背影裡看懂了,一個從來就不曾付出的人,本來就不曾失去,當然更不會懂妳的遺憾和可惜。

終於,妳開始整理自己的感情,那是妳從愛上他開始,就逐漸混亂的感情。妳發現感情本來就應該很簡單,跟性別無關、跟細心無關,感情只跟「心」有關,那是當你真的很愛一個人,就會把他放在心底;也只有當你把一個人真的放在心底,你才能真正「用心」去愛他。

注定孤独

好久没 blog 了。

其实这段期间也没发生什么事。就只是工作忙,又加上身体状况不是很好,病了有两个多星期了吧。

刚好在这段期间,我也发现我和他之间产生了好一大块的距离。应该是我的问题吧。我发现我好像不能再忍受他的自以为是,他的”整间公司都在靠我”的一种态度,想法。

怎么我之前没发现呢? 还是我之前都在忍受着? 当时尝试接受一个人的时候,什么都能忍,但发现真接受不了的时候,缺点会被放大,忍耐度会明显的降低,就连以前我会在他身上觉得好笑的东西,都会变成一种厌倦。

是啊。我厌倦了。

厌倦了一直去接受他的不好,而他却一直要我改我的不好。他一直都在说他会尝试接受我的不好,但一年了,他并没有。我知道如果你不去接受一个人的优缺点,再怎么说你爱他/她,都也是多余的。

我并没要求任何人为了我而改。他抽烟,喝酒,我也从没要他改,要他戒。只叮咛他少抽几根,少喝几瓶。如果要我爱一个人,我一定会确定我能接受他的一点一滴后,才全心全意的去爱。如果有任何一样我完全不能,也不可能接受的,那我就宁愿不爱。

其实我也只求有一个人会同样的对待我。如果你说爱我,那请你接受我的不好。如果你要我的体贴呵护与关心,那也请你忍受我糟糕的脾气。如果你想看到我的笑容,那也请你擦干我的眼泪。为什么你只要看到好的一面,却不肯接受我的负面呢?

我承认,我这个人也许有点太极端了。我的爱,是一种很自私的爱。我的爱,是一种会让人喘不过气而窒息的爱。我占有欲太强了。很多人也许无法接受,无法理解。我爱你,我就想知道你在做什么,你在哪里,甚至你在吃什么,跟谁在一起,我都想知道,都要知道。这点我知道太不可理喻了,所以我一直都在尽力的改。不是为了谁而改,而是为了自己。可是到最后,我还是我。这个根本就是我的本性。也许是那第一份错的爱情让我如此的没安全感。也许这就是我。我真的也搞不清楚我为什么会这样了。

我知道,这世上有一个人能无条件的爱我,接受我的一切。只是我们隔着半个地球,我希望他能有他的生活,理想;而我也有我的父母在这儿。我们。。。应该不可能了。就只能做朋友吧。

我喜欢孤独,我渴望独处。但其实我也希望有一个聊得来的知己,厮守到老。结婚?无所谓,但至少要住在一起吧。孩子?不要比较好。就一个男生,愿意让我占有,不介意我窒息的爱,也可以无条件的爱我,让我觉得温暖,有安全感,有被爱的感觉。我能给的(除了我的坏脾气以外),就是我的呵护,体谅,陪伴。我可以给你你的私人空间,可是能不能在你做你自己的事时,也让我处在有你在的地方?我不会打扰你,只要能在你身边我就OK了。打个比方说,你在玩电脑游戏,或在电脑前工作,就让我在你身旁读书,写作。就这样。

幸福,淡淡却稳定的爱情,对我来说,就是这样。我不需要谈个什么轰轰烈烈的爱情。就这样,真的就足够了。

可以吗?世界上有这样的男人吗?还是我该问,新加坡有这样的男生吗?能否让我遇见呢? 我从来都不以貌取人,我从来不在乎多帅,体重多少,薪水多高。 只要人好,心地好,知道自己要什么,有上进心,不要骗我,不要不懂装懂,就好了。薪水真的无所谓,我养得活自己,他养得活他自己,那就可以了呀。一年偶尔出国散心一两次,应该还好吧?不需要去远的国家,邻国也可以呀。 我对他的要求真的不高,那为什么就是找不到那个他?

哈哈,也许。。。是因为每个男人要的,我不能给吧。

或许。。。我真的注定没人爱吧。

也许。。。这也是为什么我会喜欢孤独吧。

因为,注定孤独。

Haze, and Other Stuff

So, it’s been a few months of haze, thanks to Indonesia.

Although it’s also thanks to them, that I’ve learnt a lot more about protecting myself (and my family, of course).  I’ve learnt how to actually order custom-made HEPA filters from Taobao; I’ve bought laser particle meter to read the air quality of where I am, I’ve bought  purifier units for my Dad’s and Mom’s rooms, and of course, stocked up more Uvex 3210 masks at home for everyone.  It’s definitely heavier on my wallet (it’s pretty tight now actually), but as long as everyone stays healthy, I’m fine with it.

The next piece of news might come as a surprise to many, but definitely not to the two parties who are involved.  And that’s Bear and I have gone back to being just friends / buddies. I was the one who made the decision, but both of us do agree that our tempers just clashed way too much.  There are also other reasons, but I don’t feel like typing them all out right now (not really in the mood to do so currently).  At some point, maybe.  So stay tuned to this page if you are nosey enough lol.

And so, as of now, I’m back to being single.  Yay!  Honestly speaking, I certainly much prefer singlehood.  Bear and I are still buddies, we still enjoy each other’s company pretty much, we will still be going overseas together (if we can find one that fits our schedule), but we are no longer “romantically attached” to each other.

So now, I’m just busy planning out my trips.  First off, there’s the February trip to HK with my parents.  Then there’s the December trip to Taipei with Bear.  Then there’s the December 2017 trip to Helsinki alone.

Yup, I’m finally travelling alone, and how apt it is for my first solo travel country to be Helsinki, Finland. Like I said previously, it’s going to be a closure trip for me. That hasn’t changed.  I just hope I am able to meet Hanna (Reko’s sis) at some point during my stay in Helsinki!  I’m still deciding between staying for 5-6 days just in Helsinki, or should I stay just 3-4 days there and take a flight to Stockholm to explore the capital of Sweden before I come back to Singapore.  Initially I thought there isn’t much to do in Helsinki, but after googling a bit for the various cafes there, suddenly there seems to be many cafes that I want to visit, and I certainly can’t do them all within 2-3 days since I don’t cafe-hop (I can’t drink that much coffee in a day!). Well it’s still a long way to go, so plenty of time for me to decide.  :)

Untitled

我知道我们都没有错, 只是放手会比较好过。最美的爱情, 回忆里待续。

X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X

退后
作词:宋健彰
作曲:周杰伦

天空灰得像哭过
离开你以后 并没有 更自由
酸酸的空气 嗅出我们的距离
一幕锥心的结局 像呼吸般无法停息

抽屉泛黄的日记 榨干了回忆
那笑容 是夏季 妳我的过去被顺时针的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情 粗心的眼泪是多余

我知道妳我都没有错 只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给了承诺 却被时间扑了空

我知道我们都没有错 只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情 回忆里待续

天空灰得像哭过
离开你以后 并没有 更自由
酸酸的空气 嗅出我们的距离
一幕锥心的结局 像呼吸般无法停息

抽屉泛黄的日记 榨干了回忆
那笑容 是夏季 妳我的过去被顺时针的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情 粗心的眼泪是多余

我知道妳我都没有错 只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给了承诺 却被时间扑了空

我知道我们都没有错 只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情 回忆里待续

我知道妳我都没有错 只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给了承诺 却被时间扑了空

我知道我们都没有错 只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情 回忆里待续

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突然好想你

最怕空气突然安静 最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆 突然翻滚绞痛著不平息 最怕突然 听到你的消息
想念如果会有声音 不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今 终于让自己属于我自己 只剩眼泪 还骗不过自己

突然好想你 你会在哪里 过得快乐或委屈
突然好想你 突然锋利的回忆 突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲 变成两部悲伤的电影
为什么你 带我走过最难忘的旅行 然后留下 最痛的纪念品

我们 那么甜那么美那么相信 那么疯那么热烈的曾经
为何我们还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去

突然好想你 你会在哪里 过得快乐或委屈
突然好想你 突然锋利的回忆 突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空气突然安静 最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆 突然翻滚绞痛著不平息 最怕突然 听到你的消息

最怕此生 已经决心自己过没有你 却又突然 听到你的消息

一向来都不是五月天迷,但无可否认的,阿信写的歌的确能触碰到人心。

就好比这首《忽然好想你》。看着歌词,听着歌,忽然心好酸,忽然好想哭。

Sometimes I really hate being too empathetic.

你呢?你会突然想到谁呢?

 

Weekend Recap!

Wow I almost forgot what happened over the weekend.  I really need to stop procrastinating when it comes to blogging.  LOL.

Right. Here we go.

Friday 13/3/2015

I’ve applied for leave on this since beginning of the year, and I really have no idea why.  But well, since the leave was approved eons ago, I just took it.  Wandered around Orchard Road for the entire afternoon (spent about 2 hours in Kinokuniya though), before walking to The Central to meet up with Momo, before we walked over to 100AM where we met up with Kevin and Sharshar.  It was a pretty good dinner meet up with them, we joked and laughed about stuff… and Sharshar said something about Kevin that made Momo and I laughed so hard till tears came out.  I just love it when Sharshar and Kevin are both around.  They are so funny.  And I don’t need to really say anything when I’m with them… they are entertaining themselves and me at the same time.  Haha!

A pity about the dinner spot though.  Kevin wanted to try Skinny Pizza as he has yet to try it, and I’d say it’s just so-so.  Not something I would voluntarily go back for, honestly.

Sunday 15/3/2015

Met up with Swordie again today, as he needed to borrow my Kinokuniya card to buy his entire Gamaran manga set.  We first had lunch at Centerpoint Astons, and well I was surprised that he didn’t eat as much as I thought he would.  I only knew after wards that he usually doesn’t eat that much for buffet, because he felt it’s the same dishes anyway.  There’s only that many things that he eats, and there’s only so many times that he can eat the same thing at the same seating. And I realised that he’s actually quite a considerate person.  I was whining about them running out of sauteed mushrooms, and when he saw the staff refilling it, he just went over and took a whole big bowl of sauteed mushrooms and plonk it down in front of me.  LOL.  I was pleasantly surprised that he would go get it for me instead of just telling me that it’s being refilled, but at the same time, I was like “whaaaat, you expect me to finish this one whole bowl of mushrooms?!”  But I still managed to finish it after a while, haha.

After we are done with food and Kinokuniya, he went home in a cab, while I went back to Kinokuniya and spent some time there before heading home.  I can’t resist a bookstore, really.  =P

So yup, there goes my weekend!

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